There is a very small part of me (miniscule, actually) that will miss my Salt Lake Community College Paralegal circus when I graduate at the end of the semester. These classes over the last few years haven't taught me a whole lot more than, that yes, there really are some serious losers out there, and you might have to work with them, if you don't already.
I will miss the ability to regale my blog readers with stories of these weridos, but I believe, in all seriousness, the best few were saved for last...
There is a woman in one of my classes who, in every interaction she has, seems to be hitting on the other person. Her tone, is perpetually, and her intent, always, somewhat more sexual than it should be. Male or female. She's older, heavy, stringy hair, with these strange boil things on her face and a creepy body tattoo, as in, a tattoo all over her body. Okay, there is the set up. Anywho, we're all sitting in class as normal when suddenly the professor says, in a voice that is more than mildly ticked off, "Did you just take my picture?"
And there is this woman, in the front row, with her camera phone poised in picture taking form.
She smiles, "I just love the faces you make when you start getting worked up about something, they are just precious."
I shit you not. This actually happened.
"Well, what are you going to do with it?" the professor asks, worried where his likeness, owned by this woman, will end up.
"Just keep it. I just love those faces."
The class, was dead silent, we were all too creeped out to even laugh. It was funny in a Stephen King sort of way.
"Well," says a girl in the back, "THAT'S creepy."
And it gets better.
In this same class there are two sets of people who seem to enjoy each others company a bit more than married people should enjoy the company of a member of the opposite sex. And I'm not talking flirting and getting some game on, no. I consider that harmless. This feels planned, like it's been going on for years. Also, the age range is a little Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher, which, when the people aren't super attractive, is just plain yucky.
To my point, one of these people is this loud mouth, fatty cabbage patch kid of a man who basically ruins every class with his fat, stupid mouth. I'm all about loud people, as long as they aren't complete morons. This guy, though, wins the loser cake. Out of everyone I have EVER had to be in the same room with this guy is the second most annoying piece of crap human I've ever met, and anyone who knows me, knows I've had some real, um, winners in my circle before.
Back to my story, after theis guy is done harrassing me for saying, "It's going" when he asks me "How is it going?" (Even after I explain to him under my breath that it's the language I use when I don't actually want to have any further conversation with the asker) he pulls out cupcakes. A huge flat of nearly 40 cupcakes with tiny "Happy Birthday" signs stuck in them. There are 12 of us in the class on any given day, but you see, it was the birthday of the mother of 4 he sits next to, the two constantly shamelessly drooling over each other and he'd brought her a very public gift/display of affection.
But, she wasn't there.
So he offers up the treats anyway, which I don't plan to eat because if he had anything to do with it, there is probably pee in them. And when the girl in the sweater that she's sure is a dress if she just keeps pulling it down asks, "Why didn't you bring anything for my birthday?"
Melonhead answers, "Because I don't have the relationship with you that I do with her."
Um, wowza. The class is silent.
Why didn't you just have sex with her on the table in front of us all? Then at least we could have put it on youtube.
Realizing what he's just said, he quickly sits down and class is allowed to begin. The professor after last week's imprompto photoshoot and now this looks slightly off kilter. I'm sure the fact that Emily and I couldn't keep composure and were laughing ourselves sick in the back row didn't help.
In a way I'll miss the SLCC Paralegal, it's been nice walking into a classroom day after day knowing that I'm the smartest person in the room, total ego boost, I don't foresee that happening regularly in the rest of my life. I don't know yet if that makes me happy, or sad.
